A Letter to Seb

Dear Seb,
 
I thought I'd write something that maybe you'll be able to read when you... can read, but also when you're old enough to understand the depth of our relationship beyond the fact that you're largely reliant on me for everything and therefore if I leave it's a bad bad thing!
 
We're probably in the midst of our last week together as a two-some, we may be lucky enough to get next week too - but either way, our time is running out. I don't know how much you'll remember of life before your little brother or sister (we still don't know what "it" is yet) was born. I'm sure you'll have some fleeting memories, you're five now and already this past year has been such a significant one for you, full of change, that I can't see you forgetting this time altogether!
 
We're all excited for your baby brother or sister's arrival, but I'm going to miss being Mummy only to you - we've had a pretty crazy five years together already and thanks to you arriving in the world, my life has changed several times over!
 
I hope you and your brother or sister will be close, I certainly know they're lucky to have you. You're such a sensitive, loving, gentle boy - so funny and cheerful, cheeky and mischievous - I couldn't imagine a more fun older sibling! You've already admitted that you're planning to teach the baby "silly things"... Everyone needs more silly in their life and all of us that are lucky enough to call ourselves your family are blessed to have your silly influence every day (even if it leaves me pulling my hair out sometimes!)
 
Your brother or sister's arrival won't change the unending, bottomless love that I have for you - if anything, it'll grow as a result of their birth - you'll always be the first one, the boy who taught me how to be a Mum in the first place, the original if you like! I'm going to be so proud of you, I know it, it already fills me with excitement just thinking about watching you develop as a big brother.
 
Thinking back over the last year, I'm in awe of your resilience, and your positivity, for someone so small you're such a ray of sunshine. I wish I hadn't had to pull your world apart last year, I'm so deeply sorry that your Dad and I couldn't be together and that you couldn't continue life in the bubble that we'd so carefully created for you. Things are harder now, in terms of money and the things that we have -  up until last year we pootled around everywhere in a nice car, we could afford to go on all sorts of day trips and I don't believe you wanted for anything. These days, whilst I feel you and I are wealthy beyond our wildest dreams in love, I know that I can't give you all of the material things that you want, although I do work hard to make sure that you are happy. We don't have the car anymore - but I love our adventures on the bus, I love picking flowers with you on our walks, or spotting wildlife, or diggers, or weird shaped clouds. Our daytrips these days tend to be to the local beach rather than an expensive theme park - but I love seeing you covered in sand - charging around with a spade, and I like to think you're just as happy throwing yourself around on a bouncy castle as you are staying in hotels.
 
I've tried, over the past year, to build a new life for us, and I like to think I've done Ok. I'm so glad you love your Dad so very much and the two of you are as close as ever, your relationship is so important and completely irrelevant to my relationship with him - I hope you'll always love one another as dearly as you do now - I'm just sorry that you can't see him every day. You will always have me though - again, not in person every day, but I'm here always. When your brother or sister arrives, you'll have an extra person to love, and an extra person to love you - the love that surrounds you will only grow, and none shall be lost.
 
The fact that you have different Fathers doesn't make you any less, as siblings go, a brother, or a sister, is a lot more than the number of genes you share - and you share a Mama anyway, which is everything. I hope that when you're old enough, you realise that whilst it was sad, your Mum and Dad going their separate ways, and you growing up split between two homes (both loving, happy homes I should add) that had I not decided to take that path, you may never have known what it was to be a brother - and that in itself is a gift I'm proud to be able to give you.
 
Love and adult relationships can be confusing and complex and difficult, even for those within them, to understand. It will be a long time before you're able to understand why I left your Dad and split your family in two, why I bought a new family in to your life, and put us both on a different, seemingly more difficult course. One day I think you will understand though, one day, I've no doubt, you'll discover what it is to realise that you were wrong, and I hope you'll inherit my desire to chase love down difficult paths.
 
Never be afraid to do stupid, foolish things for love, to give up things like money, or a job, or a home, or even me, if you find genuine knock-your-socks-off love. I have, and it's made my heart happy - I want you to be happy forever, so if love comes your way, please don't worry about what you have to give up to take it - it is better than every job, every bank note, every big house. I want you to grow up chasing love (whatever that means for you) over other forms of "success". I'll always champion you in that pursuit, and I'll always be the home you can come back to if it doesn't go to plan - there is no plan, after all.
 
The love I have for you is the greatest of all, it is greater than the love I've had for any human being before you, and any other that I know now. Nothing will change that.
 
In our final week(s) as just us two, before we face our next challenge together, I just want to squeeze you more than ever, cover you in kisses, eat ice cream and watch cartoons - I'll still want to squeeze you, cover you in kisses, eat ice cream and watch cartoons in twenty years time though, so don't ever think you're losing me.
 
Love you always, always, always,
 
Mum xxx
 
 

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