I don't want to give birth to this baby!

Today I had to ring my local midwife lead birthing unit to arrange a tour. No I've not had a change of heart, we're still very much Team Homebirth, but I still think it's important to consider all options, and to find out as much as possible about what facilities that are available to us. The last thing I'd want, is to decide at the last minute that I'd be more comfortable giving birth at the MLU, only to arrive and have no idea where to go or what to expect! Anyway; that, along with the fact that I am now seeing my midwife fortnightly, and even my maternity clothes are starting to feel a bit tight, is serving to remind me that we really don't have long left until this baby arrives. I had a few July appointments to put on the calendar yesterday, and there was Baby's due date, staring back at me!

 
 
Now here's the bit were I admit to being one of those women that lots of other women despise, because I'm going to say it again, I'm really enjoying being pregnant. Yes, there are some discomforts, I'd love to be able to reach down and pick something up off of the floor without any difficulty, I'd love to be able to trim and paint my toenails without having to carefully manoeuvre around my baby bump, and I miss being able to run up and down the three flights of stairs to my flat without getting out of breath. Sometimes my ankles swell, Baby's hiccups can become irritating after a while (especially if they begin halfway through me eating something particularly delicious) and it can be hard to find a comfortable sleeping position. My low blood pressure has meant that there've been times when I've felt horribly nauseous, light headed, faint and exhausted - and I quite often sneak off for a nap, or end up in bed for the night by eight thirty. But all of this is weirdly enjoyable, when experienced as part of the lead up to Baby's arrival.
 
My bump has become my constant companion, I'll miss it when it's gone, not because I am thankful for it getting in the way, or slowing me down, but because it's just, there, and I see it as my baby, as opposed to my swollen and extended abdomen. When my ankles swell I know it's because I've been active during the day, and have carried my baby everywhere with me. The hiccups, whilst annoying, are a further reminder of the tiny person inside of me, busy doing whatever it is unborn babies do, and at night, I feel as though I'm trying to find a comfortable position for both of us, not just for me in spite of Baby. Every time the symptoms of my low blood pressure surface, I remember to be thankful that I'm not suffering from high blood pressure, I have a friend in hospital right now with pre eclampsia, waiting for her baby to be born very early, and if I feel a bit dizzy one day, I'd much rather that than be in her shoes. And naps - well who's going to complain about naps?
 
It's funny when you consider that Baby was entirely unplanned, and my first response to a positive pregnancy test was one of horror and misery. These days though, as the end of my pregnancy journey approaches, I feel genuinely very lucky to have carried this little person this far, and to be the person bringing them in to the world.
 
There will be no babies after this one, and so everything feels precious, despite the fact that I'd said I wouldn't have more children before I fell pregnant. When I was pregnant with Seb, I was relatively open minded about whether or not I'd have any more children, it was largely down to the direction my life took, and as such, I never really stopped to consider that carrying him might be the only time I experienced pregnancy. It was only well after he was born, when I made the firm decision to stop at one and raise him as an only child, that it occurred to me that I wouldn't be pregnant again. Or so I thought. This time I really know that I won't, so I feel inclined to cherish every movement, to spend my days talking to Baby, folding and refolding his/her clothes and mulling idly over potential baby names.
 
I feel incredibly healthy, I have found a deep level of contentment, I'm very much in love, and I'm happy and confident in my pregnant body. I appreciate that this isn't the experience for some women, that many suffer horrible health complications, anxiety, mental health issues, and a constant battle to be at peace with their changing bodies - and I recognise how lucky I am not to be able to identify with this experience. I just feel, good.
 
So of course I can't wait to see Baby for the first time, to experience that sudden rush of love and exhilaration when he or she is born, I'm actually very much looking forward to labour and birth, but at the same time, there's a bitter sweet sadness that comes with reaching the end of this journey, and I do find myself thinking, "I don't want to give birth to this baby!" - not because I don't want to go through the physical experience of giving birth, but because I don't want to not be pregnant anymore. This is the closest that Baby and I will ever be, in just a few short weeks we'll breathe our own air, we'll be able to go places without the other, and my body will return to being just that again. This makes me sad and I'm desperate to remember everything, feel everything, and take pleasure in everything, before time is up and it's on to the next, very different, chapter.

3 comments:

  1. Hi I found your post through the mummymonday linky. I really enjoyed reading how you are experiencing pregnancy. I understand how you feel. I have 2 boys and didn't expect to be pregnant again but our little girl was our surprise (now 6 months old!!) I knew the whole way through she would most likely be my last and so I completley submerged myself in pregnancy. It was almost like she was my first all over again!!

    Your wise to check the maternity suite. I had both boys at home and was planning that for Nieve but unfortunately my areas home birth team was short staffed and we had to go into hospital. It turned out to be lovely and I wouldn't change it but I do wish I'd been more aware of the practical processes it involves. Good luck with the birth and you new little one. If your looking for anything cute n crochet check out my blog www.abeautifulabodedevon.blogspot.co.uk and/or etsy shop www.etsy.com/uk/shop/abeautifulabode

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  2. You know what, I know what you mean about not wanting the pregnancy to end, especially as you're not planning any more. You will miss the bump - I know I was still stroking my stomach after I gave birth! It's such a special feeling having a baby grow inside it, I often remember it fondly. Good luck with the labour, you're going in with the right frame of mind looking forward to it! Sabrina xx #mummymonday

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  3. Ah I totally felt the same about being pregnant - absolutely loved it - and I think if we have a number two I would be having the exact same feelings as you (so long as I was loving being pregnant again!) #mummymonday

    http://motherhoodtherealdeal.com/

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